I awoke this morning, my things-to-do list screaming at me from my bedside table, and as I tried to work out the most necessary to-dos of the day I suddenly stopped. A thought struck me and I literally remained half-dressed in the middle of the kitchen, just thinking. I had stopped dreaming. Yes, it had actually happened. Now, I don't mean the dreams we have at night, where our subconscious clicks into overdrive, but dreams, real dreams...lifelong ambitions, inner desires, mountains to climb. I had stopped dreaming and I had only just realized.
My thoughts turned to the reasoning of it. Had my life just turned into what seemed like a journey from one bill to the other? Had the meaning of life come and gone without me seeing it? I desperately tried to work out what had gone wrong and when. I looked back on my life, to find a solution. When was the last time I had thought "Now that's a place I have to visit" or "That's where I'll be in 5 years" or even "That's an idea for a weekend meal." Nothing. My mind was blank. In a matter of moments I discovered that I couldn't remember the last time my mind wandered to what I would like it to be. The feeling in the pit of my stomach was one of disgust as I turned over the facts in my head. I had become a walking ATM...digesting the bills and churning out the money. Nothing more...nothing less.
I remember a time when I wanted to travel, to own a travel consultancy, to spend the day talking to people, seeing new faces. I remember when I started writing a book, nurturing every word, embracing every idea. I even remember drawing sketches of what my house would be like (when I built it). Now, the drive into town is a tedious journey, talking to people seems pointless and my book, well I'll finish it one day. The sketch of the house still looks upon me whenever I open my files in search of something.
Dreaming was once a part of life, and this morning I regretted, for the first time in my life, having lost something. I had lost the only part of me that made the days so much nicer. I had lost my dreams. How do I get them back? I have no idea, and no time to find a solution. So, as my day began, I knew that it would be worse than I could have imagined. Never stop dreaming!!!
3 comments:
Hi Gia, this post of yours stayed with me for weeks and I had to come back to it. I believe what you were going through here is temporary because of the stressfulness of your life at present. I'm sure it won't last because nothing goes on forever. I know if you stick out the rough times things will get much better and suddenly you'll realise all your dreams are coming true at once. That's how it usually happens right? It never rains but it pours... Anyway, perhaps Greece will give you her own set of dreams to hope for and work towards... :)
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